A Pessimist’s Guide to Happiness

The light at the end of the tunnel is your life flashing in front of you. Don’t keep your hopes up.

When you reach half a mile, go back. There’s nothing there for you.

Not everything happens for a reason. They just happen.

Nothing happens to those who wait. You will always be late.

“Keeping the faith” is irrational. That’s why it’s called faith. Don’t bother.

Love is just chemicals in your brain acting up. Turn around before you get rejected.

A fork on the road will lead to disappointments and failures. Stop walking.

If you build it, no one will come. Nobody cares.

“Be yourself” is the worst advice ever. Nobody likes an honest person.

It will get worse before it gets worst.

You’ll never meet your soulmate, not if you die.

Your mom is a liar. You’re not cute nor good-looking.

At your best, you’re still mediocre. Stop trying.

Overachievers are overrated. I guarantee they’re still unhappy.

Success leads to medical conditions. Stay where you are.

Friends aren’t always there for you, even real friends. Get a dog instead.